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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that chaos, I head over to the park by the river. It’s so pretty there, with the trees and the water. I take a deep breath, trying to chill. But then, I see this guy walking his dog. And not just any dog—a huge, fluffy, drooling mess. The dog runs straight at me, and I’m like, “Nope!” I dodge it like I’m in the Olympics.

New affordable housing option for older Mainers opens in Scarborough